The Jay Cutler Report Card: (Week 5)

I don’t subscribe or believe in NFL consolation prizes. So, quite frankly, I don’t give a damn about Jay Cutler’s highlight reel two-yard toss to Brandon Marshall deep in the fourth quarter for six points, when Drew Brees and New Orleans were already booked to fly back to the deep south with a card of 5-and-0.

To be honest, I ended the weekly evaluation of Jay Cutler about midway through the fourth quarter when Earl Bennett, on a fourth down sideline route, dropped a ball that your little sister would have caught. The drop handed the ball back over to the Saints.

But was that any worse than Peanut Tillman drawing yellow on a punt that was never returned? You want more. Is the Duke of Earl’s blunder any worse than the Bears needing to add an extra offensive line on a huge number of snaps?

There was a new antyra on the lakefront Sunday: “62 has reported eligible.” Who’s 62? Do you really need to know? I mean is this some kind of page from the “West Coast Offense Guide for Dummies” that we just never heard about?

I don’t want to play hard ball (actually I do…it’s my nature), but when you have to go to an extra down lineman as frequently as the Bears do, there’s one helluva chance that you’re just a notch above Western Michigan.

Mr. Trestman, please explain this. Just how did your quarterback get nailed three times in the game’s first 17:00 off backside-blitzes? Forget about Jay’s QB rating of 128, or his 358 yards passing, he’s lucky he isn’t spending the night at Northwestern Hospital. Hell, Kristin Cavallari was texting State Farm in the second quarter to make sure that her husband was up to speed on his life insurance premiums.

Really, it’s a shame. The Bears had 60,000 revved up fans on the lakefront. About 60 percent of those folks wanted to watch football, while the other 40 percent were just thrilled after five days of dire and downright frightening, TV weather forecasts that Hurricane Katrina hadn’t found its way to Halsted Street.

*TV Timeout. At precisely 1:45 p.m. some leather lunged fan just below the press sox began screaming, “Bring back Urlacher,” You knew it was just a matter of time.

Anyway, back to business. New Orleans reached plus territory on its first two possessions including one trip to the red zone. Had Brees put 14 on the board rather than settling for 6, the Bears would have been crushed.

I reached this conclusion after long, deep and laborious thought. Bears pass rusher???? Shea McClellin will never make anybody forget about Richard Dent or Jeff Joniak.

Just how bad was this escapade? When New Orleans running back Pierre Thomas crossed the goal line in the second quarter, D.J. Williams was called for a horse collar. How the hell does that happen?

The official Jay Cutler Report Card for Week 5: B+

Maybe even an A minus. You make the call. I’m worn out.

Coach Trestman, you are about to be formally welcomed to the city of Chicago. No, that doesn’t mean you get to exchange glares with Mayor Short Man’s Complex. It means you now get seconded guessed by every media outlet from the Chicago Tribune to the Wilmette Life.

Hey, Marc, you wanted the job. Just keep in mind, Bears fans like to savage head coaches as much as they enjoy watching Tom Skilling talking about cold fronts over El Paso, Texas.


MajorOnions.com is Chicago's unfiltered source for sports, music and lifestyle.